I am not a cruise person. In fact, being trapped on a floating mall with thousands of people is my literal nightmare. After a recent "nickel-and-dime" disaster on a mass-market ship, I swore them off forever—until I found the exception. Here is my honest review of the adults-only, anti-cruise line that actually meets the "Goose Standard." (Hint: It involves a hammock and a Tomahawk steak).

Winter Storm Fern tried to ruin the trip. Southwest tried to keep my $380. Here is exactly how I fought back, saved the money, and vetted a "Monet" hotel in Miami (pretty from afar, messy up close) so you never have to.